I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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