Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
