just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
