yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
