he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
