just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
How does it feel to date your dad?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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