I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
