Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
