Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
