take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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