Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
