I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
