just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
