The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
