ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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