i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We are two peas in an std pod
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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