ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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