getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
