A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
