The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
