i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
