Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
