Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I lost the right to judge tonight
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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