1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
