never play flip cup with pint glasses
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
