dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
