i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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