I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
