just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just had sex on a roof
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
