I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
