I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
