My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
