He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
