I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
