i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
BRING THE BAGELS
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
