Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
