I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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