Screwed.edu
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
