The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
