she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just high enough for therapy.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
