If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
