I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
