At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she pinky promised me she was 18
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
