"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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