I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
