I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
