i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
