Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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