I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
