they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
