I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
